Mall Rules

Last Sunday, I went to church wearing a new necklace I had bought the day before. Jon and Tim started to tell me about the week before Valentine’s Day, while they were in the mall in the “girl store,” sorting through the jewelry, while on the phone with Sarah who tried to help them find the right one, with no luck. I felt sorry for them, especially when Jon said they didn’t even get the chance to practice sulking!

This caused me to remember the time I taught Jon and Tim to sulk.

We were at the mall, and they had graciously agreed to come along with me to a few feminine stores. I began to notice a set of unwritten mall rules that I had merely taken for granted before. I explained them to Jon and Tim who immediately began putting them to use, with great success.

I have decided to put these unwritten rules into writing.

Considering many exceptions*, there are two main reasons why guys go to the mall.

1. Young teenage guys may see the mall as their only option as a hunting ground for stereotypical, mall-dwelling females. This is most likely because they are too young to drive themselves around and the mall is the only acceptable place for their parents to drop them off. These young males can be found roaming around in packs (safety in numbers), not yet creative enough to find a place to hang out other than their specific targets’ natural habitat.

2. Other guys may be found shopping with a female. This is divided into two further categories:

a. Gay guy with female friend (this doesn’t occur as often, especially in Kansas)

b. Guy with girlfriend. In this case, 96% of the time, the man spends his whole time trying very hard not to look like the previous category. The following, is what I taught Jon and Tim, and hope that many other men will be able to use it in similar situations:

First, it is extremely important to hold the proper pose. The man will, of course, cross his arms. This is either because he does not want to appear the slightest bit comfortable in his surroundings, or he actually is intimidated. Any extra manliness is desirable, so the fists can be pressed against the underside of the biceps for the classic Uncle Rico Technique. The man should then attempt to hover close to the female (to make it apparent that he’s with her) yet far from the clothes (to make it apparent that he’s not interested in the act of shopping). The hard part is the proper face to hold. One should try hard not to let his face settle into a worried or defeated expression, yet to lift the corners of his mouth, even at the slightest angle, would maybe look pleasant, and he doesn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. He normally will settle for some kind of scowl, like the kind high school boys use for sports pictures. Of course, this whole façade is ruined when the female, absent-mindedly asks for the guy’s opinion, which puts him in a dilemma. He knows that his girl wants him to look at that which he’s been avoiding and say what he thinks. He normally mutters an “Uh… okay.” In the deepest voice he has, before losing his scowl in order to glance painfully at the doors, in case they might disappear at any sign of interest on his part.

*The writer of this article would like to make the claim that when she goes to the mall with her male friends, they are normally not shopping, and fit under the “exceptions” category, along with grown men, small boys, and mall walkers.