Thoughts on Being Married

Our anniversary is in a couple days. Last night I couldn’t sleep, and my mind was wandering.

It doesn’t feel like it’s been five years. We’re babies. We’re still new at this. Five is a good number to be significant, as is 10. Twenty isn’t a huge deal because 25 is. Then you just have to wait around till the big five-oh and you can have a grand party. Those are the big anniversaries that people make into a big deal. I, however, have a couple different ones of my own.

When I was in high school, I remember hearing that if a marriage lasts 7 years, it probably will stay together for good. I figured that’s just when things get (potentially) hard and boring. First the honeymoon phase comes and goes, then you throw kids in the mix to shake things up, and you get so busy and worn out that it’s hard to stop and pay attention to each other. When that part ends, you look around at the aftermath and BOOM! It’s year seven and you’ve gotta figure out what the rest of your life will look like.  (heh-heh… I typed “boob” instead of “boom” up there.) Anyway by then, statistically speaking, the couples that won’t last have already split up. I decided that anniversary number seven will be significant in my mind. I will think, “Yep! We made it through the tough stuff!”  (I’m not saying that our marriage will follow that statistic absolutely, or that there’s  a chance we might split up before then, but I like the idea of having a milestone for the difficult parts of marriage.)

The other significant milestone will happen when I’m 41. My cousins once added up their mother’s age and realized that she had been married longer than she had been single. It’s not a big deal, (she’s not old) but they had never thought of it that way before. “What’s that even like?!” they wondered. “It just feels like I’ve always been married.” she replied. I’ve thought about that a lot. I liked the idea of knowing the exact day that I can say the majority of my life I’ve been married. That day will be significant to me, because I never saw my life that way before.

When I was a child, I imagined that childhood was everything. It’s all you talk about when you’re old (or so I thought). You fondly remember the years when you were young and silly and had adventures. Then you can laugh at the years when you were young and stupid and a teenager. At some point you might get married which is sort of exciting, and then you hit the real world with a real job. The rest of your life is spent working nine to five in some office. You come home with your family and think about dinner and bills and grown-up things for a couple of hours and then you sleep and you wake up to do the same things over and over for the rest of your life. That’s how I imagined my existence would play out (sans marriage). I actually pictured a timeline in my head, skewed so the first 20 years took up half the space between “born” and “dead.”

My pregnancy with my first son was a big surprise. I remember taking my dog on a walk and suddenly it hit me: my life was kind of over, in a way. I sat down on a playground slide and took a moment to mourn the life I thought I’d have before kids came along. When I thought about it, I realized that not only will that life never exist, it never existed in the first place. I had to trust that God’s plan was always in motion, and that He had something better planned for me. I had no idea that I would like parenthood so much. Contrary to my childhood beliefs, my life kept getting better and better. I embraced the path God chose for me, and I was consumed by my new role as Housewife. I don’t regret my low expectations of adulthood. I feel like having those expectations gave me such an appreciation for where I am today, and an excitement to see what’s in store.

Back to marriage: We’ve only had five years together, and sometimes it doesn’t seem that long. We’ve been through a lot, but Tim and I still have lots of things to figure out. Despite all that, I try to remember what life was like when I was single. Let me tell you, it’s a stretch. “What did I even DO with my time?!” I wonder. I was not the same girl I am today. I don’t think my family ever expected me to get married. As a child, I liked to figure things out by myself and sought solitude whenever possible. Sure, I liked the idea of falling in love, but to have someone around me all the time was just not my thing. BUT, I did fall in love, and I met someone totally worth giving up that solitude. Whatever independence I still clung to, I lost when Emmett was born, and suddenly someone physically depended on me 24-7. That too was worth it, because I already loved him too. I had this new, highly portable friend who went with me everywhere. Motherhood was so much fun, we wasted no time having our second.

Fast forward to last night, and I couldn’t sleep. I remembered something funny about my teenage years, and then thought, “Wow! That was a long time ago.” And I thought about my old idea of childhood being everything, when it’s not. I thought about my aunt and about all these things. The single person I was is so foreign to me now, probably because I used to be an “I” but now I’m a “We.” God changed me for the better when He brought Tim into my life. Sure, I’m still selfish and I enjoy being alone, but I really like grown-up Grace. That Tim-guy was one of the best things that could happen to her.